It Was A Phase…

I remember around 16-17 years old, I was at the height of my self-injury (not a phase) when I started messing around with piercing myself.
I pierced my belly button with a safety pin time and time again. I even wore a real piece of jewelry in it for about 6 months, until the ball fell off and I just let it close up. It healed terribly.

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This picture is from 2009. 

I also pierced my lip, or pretty far underneath my lip, sort of in the center (I think it was called a labret). I did it from the inside out with a safety pin. Years later I had it pierced professionally. It fell out and I lost it at a time when I just didn’t care about piercings that much and I let it close up too. Sometimes I wish it was still in.
//end of random memory

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Found It…

I have this memory from when I was super young (somewhere between 3-5), of watching something really disturbing on a VHS tape. My mom had been on a recording-television-shows spree and was recording stuff from her free week of the Disney channel (we watched those tapes for YEARS). I remember seeing this show… with a little girl with pigtails, and a man, and I remember her knees and his hand, I seem to remember a scene where she’s sitting on a dryer… anyway, I remember seeing this very disturbing program and my mom flipping out. I don’t know if she had accidentally taped this, or if the TV was just on at a bad time and she wasn’t paying attention. There was a lot of secrecy around it that tape and what was on it. When I was that age I was very insistent on not being lied to– it seems (by memory impressions) that I felt my mother was regularly lying to me and I always kept mental record of the things she said that sounded like lies. This is really weird because my mother was (and is) the most innocent, sweet person. Before my sister was born (I was 4), it was just the two of us, mommy and baby. I sometimes wonder what happened during those years… if, as all of my therapists have suggested over the years, something bad happened to me then. I don’t like to question my mother and whether she might have… somehow made me afraid, but I was so ridiculously sheltered, I can count on one hand the people I was ever alone with as a child.

Anyway, back to that show. I figured out at some point years later that it was an ABC After School Special. I asked my mom about it a few years ago, and her reaction was so certain (absolutely not, nothing like that ever even existed!) it took me back… I remembered asking her about that tape shortly after I had watched it and she was denying that I had ever seen such a thing.

Now I’m 33. It’s ridiculous that I even remember this nearly 30-year-old incident. I guess events in my life have really worked out in a way that I am still really sensitive to being lied to by those I trust the most.

And… I had no way to know or understand at the time, but my mom is a survivor. What was happening to that little girl in that After School special (that she tried to convince me I had NOT seen) happened to her when she was that age.

ABC Afterschool Special – “Don’t Touch”

I have no question, this is it. And it’s extremely messed up… no wonder she taped over it, if she had accidentally taped it. My mom’s heart would have broken if she knew I watched this… I still feel weird about it. And now it’s useless to bring it up to her because she’s in that stage of getting old where she seems to have a completely selective memory.

And what’s the point?

Was I so sensitive that watching disturbing things was somehow traumatic to me, and then being lied to about it…

I don’t want to go further down that rabbit hole.

But damn, I’m sorry, Mom.

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A S T R O N O T E S

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Sometimes I read something that just grabs me and I am inspired to write about it– but then I never finish my writing, or I do finish it and then don’t post it to my blog.

I think it’s very important when learning astrology to personally connect to it as much as you intellectually understand it, which is why I have sort of learned about natal charts through studying my own.

I have an admittedly hard time memorizing things, particularly these days. I can’t tell you offhand most of my aspects. I have to physically glance at these things over and over and over and over again… I sometimes just pin a printout of my chart on the wall. Then take it down because I feel judged by my boyfriend.

Back to personally connecting with astrology; I would assert that it is incredibly important to make one’s own notes. Just the things you read that stick out to you.

Just write them down– don’t get stuck in the trap of keeping them organized and tagged (you can go back and do all that later).


So here are some astronotes from me today:

 

  • Transits of the Moon through the houses are so quick that (unless you are watching your transit chart closely) you will rarely be aware of them. However, you will FEEL them.
  • Transits of Mercury through the houses could be explained as “the urge to express…” or “ideas about” (followed by the houses major themes). The planet Mercury moving through houses is really about the things you find yourself needing to communicate about, as well as the landscape of your mind for a short period. In some houses it may be sharp and goal oriented (10th?) and another time it could be rather murky and confusing (12th?).

 

Some more personal notes:

An aspect I have been experiencing since mid February but is coming to an end is Mercury trine Midheaven. One trademark of this transit is the ease of communication with others, particularly employers and family members. I resonate with this, as I had a month-long visit with my beloved Grandmother and we babysat my 2 year old nephew every weekday. I felt like I didn’t do a good job — in all honesty — with making the most out of my Grandmother’s visit as far as communicating. I had a hard time with my physical health problems this past month and felt like I had to isolate a lot. On the other hand, I have gotten more of a clear idea of how to communicate my problem with my insurance issue (I’m not going to get into that right now).

Mercury is in my 5th house.  Again – babysitting (I hate to use that word for spending quality time with my nephew). I’ve definitely been more creative lately with things that aren’t really very tangibly important but are more just for fun. The urge to express affection is also more pronounced during this time, which I can definitely testify to.

As of today (4/4) the Sun is in my 7th house– I’ll try and write some about that throughout the month.

 

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some notes on a serial killer video

I think I’ve seen all of these interviews before at some point except the Son of Sam, which really surprised me. He spoke with a lot of lucidity at moments, like he was still actively trying to figure out why he did what he did. It is a little peek into the mind of a schizophrenic mind that has clearly deteriorated* but he seemed to be making good use of his time in prison.

Also, the Bundy interview included is great– I feel like he was trying to keep his composure and frequently slips in and out of the massive anxiety of knowing he was about to die. Such a difference in confidence levels.
Before I say this – let me just give a disclaimer: I do not condone violence, and murder is not just some entertainment category to me. It’s serious, it’s sick, and it’s nothing I would EVER involve myself in. My interest is mostly in the psychological aspect of these things. So my observation: the more interviews of this type that I listen to, the more I’m noticing things like speech patterns… a few of these folks (most of whom had the schizophrenic label) have very distinct patterns of meandering off topic but then tying all the things they’re talking about into a big loop. To me, a lot of the things Charles Manson and even Aileen Wuornous had to say in interviews make sense. They use metaphors without transitions, which often makes it sound like they’re speaking nonsense. I really think that if you have the patience and interest to listen, there are a lot of things being expressed between the lines…
However, the Dahmer Complex is something I do NOT understand or follow whatsoever… cannibalism and sexual fetishism combined are unfathomable to me.
Richard Ramirez always seemed high AF in interviews.
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An Aries Moon Musing

 

fire hot instagram burn

Photo by burak kostak on Pexels.com

 

I’m an Aqua sun, Libra Rising… Aries Moon. I generally have a very introverted but chill always kind of vibe, but my “moon realm” (emotional responses and needs) has always kind of offset my chill. I know there are other places in the chart to look, and this is a simplistic way of looking at it, but allow me the big 3 analogy.

My moon is in the 6th house, which I feel gives me the emotional need be helping people, as well as a strong link between moon activity and my health (emotions seem to transform into physical issues). I think the moon in the 6th house also creates a need for one’s routines and habits to be observed. So – overall, having the moon in my 6th house sort of adds a lot of physical exhaustion and even pretty serious depression when my needs aren’t being met.

Aries is the child of the Zodiac and has an intense but fast energy. I remember learning that this described my moon sign for the first time and being shocked at how accurately it described me when I’m having “an episode”.

Now that I’m an adult, I don’t frequently have episodes of random bursting into tears as much as I used to, but as a child I had an issue with it. When I started understanding things in my life and had my first really painful experience (around 8-9 yrs), I remember developing this weird habit of crying myself to sleep. Don’t get me wrong, I was sad– our family had been caring for a foster child who was very abruptly placed back with her mother, so I felt like I lost a baby sister. No one was helping me understand at the time and I was in an acute state of depression for several years. Back to the crying thing though, I did it almost ritualistically. I needed to do it. Much like a compulsion that might plague someone with O.C.D., I simply had to have this cathartic nighttime crying session every single night or things would just not be okay.

There was a lot of this kind of thing throughout my childhood, and I was put on anti-depressants at 14 because I had finally gotten caught self-injuring (also something I did as more of a ritual than anything else).

So fast forward to today.

When my partner and I get into any kind of disagreements, I feel like I become a desperate little girl. He tends to respect and value self-reliance and maturity a lot, so when I get into this mode it’s really damaging to our relationship. Even if he’s the one being a turd, I feel so sad that we’re not getting along that I just cannot stop crying. Texting him like a yipping little dog, begging for forgiveness, or trying to bark out my little opinions followed by a million I’m sorries. I can sense how freaking annoying I’m being, but I have SUCH a hard time stopping every single negative emotion from descending upon me and being expressed immediately. Sometimes I feel like hot prickly tingles under my skin and something about my skin itself changes (itchy, every touch leaves huge welts).

But, eventually… I get involved in some kind of mental activity, and it shuts off. If it was a fight with my boyfriend, the second he apologizes or even sends an EMOJI that isn’t negative (ridiculous!), I am calmed immediately. And almost… like I just took something to calm down. Kind of drowsy and removed.

I don’t know if there are any Aries or 6th house moons that might identify with anything I’ve said here, or if I’m just misattributing my own issues to astrological placements.

Anyone else want to write a “musing” on how they feel any particular planet?

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Here is a compilation of links to the newspaper articles surrounding the whole ordeal I went through in 2012.
As you will see (if the links all work) I was mentioned far less than my (then) boyfriend, even though we were both charged with the same horrible charges (attempted murder, kidnapping, and a whole bunch of assault charges).

I have attempted to share this story before. At least one individual informed me that he had called the Northwestern District Attorney’s office to ask about me and my case only a year or so after it was dismissed. He reported back to me that Mary Carey, the spokesperson at the time for the DA, claimed to not know anything about any such case or peron.

Also – to clarify what actually took place: I was not homeless. I was making some questionable choices camping out in the woods with this guy, but me being homeless was NOT a fact but was treated as one.

This case remained open for well over a year.

Local woman describes ordeal after false kidnap allegation, ‘Scariest experience of my whole life’
https://www.evernote.com/shard/s59/sh/2165b3a3-dead-46af-a327-a28bdf65a934/00e665d1cea2721eae0546a80c3d1068

WWLP – DA not commenting on dropping of attempted murder charges in jump rope case | WWLP.com
https://www.evernote.com/shard/s59/sh/06e58a0e-6e37-4be1-9453-4e14e4a28d85/a357a1c38204a676f19d8dba519dbc63

Charges against Lance Gouvan, homeless man accused of attacking 9-year-old girl in Northampton, to be dropped
https://www.evernote.com/shard/s59/sh/1046a825-75ea-44e5-b0fd-11fdf3955ce6/8985a3cdf7779c9583e3fb9fba73fe2d

Hearing Tuesday for Northampton jump rope attack suspects
https://www.evernote.com/shard/s59/sh/67eb42bc-3611-43b3-ba8d-a149eae1719f/e1fdc53cb9a9e0303d7d290d1fff6cca

Jump rope assault suspects Lance Gouvan and Megan Bonny ordered held
https://www.evernote.com/shard/s59/sh/eeec0d98-de29-48da-9ba6-ea4fe0173528/8c75e33e622d3cf9490eec5bb5e04c8e

Two Charges Dropped for Pair Accused of Tying Rope around Girl’s Neck https://www.evernote.com/shard/s59/sh/eb3b18af-e299-4964-ad4d-01be7ec3ae4c/afac79fbb98c2c3ad657de608ac3e246

My Statement – https://www.evernote.com/shard/s59/sh/b8be344d-f75a-434e-83ba-ea936fd5ed52/e51154890a53790f802f2a642bea587d

Editorial: Too slow a path to justice https://www.evernote.com/shard/s59/sh/d4a37d9a-8a8a-41a6-b59e-1dbd25c35d27/b3793f6bc4a15f2f17da3753952af2b1

Northampton Man Walks Out of Court a Free Man https://www.evernote.com/shard/s59/sh/52684b98-a02e-4504-9d51-d2376e52a48f/53d8341380726185f5e4ee5cb9fd1eaf

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The Woman Who Refused To Die: The Melissa Dohme Story

Melissa Dohme’s brutal attack and incredible recovery

Domestic Abuse Survivor Finds Happily Ever After with First Responder Who Saved Her Life: ‘He Loved Me Through It All’

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So many parts of this story hit home for me. Feb 1st, 2013 was the day I was saved from my (at the time) boyfriend’s intention to commit a murder/suicide of both of us. I thank God for the friend who gave me the piece of advice that I uncharacteristically took… I was totally shell shocked after he was first taken off to jail for assaulting me. This friend of mine had heard and was the only person who would actually come and see me after it happened. No one knew how to talk to me about it. She was though and she explained to me that I had 2 choices : the first one was to go to the courthouse with my little slip of paper from the police, get a no contact restraining order. Choice 2 would be to NOT do that and have to fight his continued calls from jail begging me to forgive him…she spoke some painful truth, but I needed to hear it. She told me that if I didn’t file for the order, she knew that I would end up right back with him and there wouldn’t be anymore chances.
I listened to her. I don’t know why. I think it was because I wanted to live. Sure enough, for the first few days after he went to jail he was calling my family’s house nonstop. They cancelled their landline.
I really believe that getting that no contact order was more to protect me from myself. From ever being convinced to let him back into my life, because I knew that I would be violating the legal contract. He was served while still in prison.

I know people say a restraining order is just a piece of paper, which is true. BUT – it’s a piece of paper that promises that as long as that person who filed it against you is strong in upholding it, you risk going right back to jail if you violate it. Some abusers are so deranged that they don’t even care– and thankfully, mine cared just enough. He attempted to break it once after getting out of jail and I took my phone and laptop straight to the police station. They were able to call him and (according to them) scare him. He had hacked into my Twitter page and was posting things about me in his horribly misspelled functionally illiterate way. I was kind of pissed that they didn’t know how to get the login details from the Twitter hack– but whatever they told him on the phone worked. I haven’t heard from him in 6 years.

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There was no love left

 

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